My Thursday Thirteen

Karen, my bestest friend (I know that's not a word!), got this idea from fellow bloggers. It's called My Thursday Thirteen and it could be a beginning to some sort of solution to sanity. Basically from what she said, on Thursday you blog about random ideas or thoughts that are going through your head at the time of blogging. So, without acknowledging the shit I tend to think about, here it goes:

1. Who the hell thought about putting elastic in women's clothing? I knew the reason I couldn't breathe wasn't asthma.
2. This better not be a migraine coming on. I didn't tell my body it could start the cycle. Doesn't it fucking listen?
3. Now I know why the elastic is squeezing the shit out of my love handles.......I'm bloated!
4. Don't people know we can all hear their conversations in this office? I don't really care that your son doesn't have enough quarters for the laundry mat.
5. This $300 cell phone that I didn't buy better not die on me.
6. Does my job really require 10 damn computer screens to be used? Now I know why I screw shit up. I'll make sure to bring that up in my weekly corporate meeting. How can I put that nicely? "Your fucking database is ridiculous and you should invest some time into improving it".
7. What the hell is that smell? It should now be a policy that if your lunch smells like shit, you should eat in the break room, not walk through the halls to your office, which happens to be next to mine. I'd spray aerosol but someone might think I passed gas!
8. I need to get my hair, nails and toes done. I haven't pampered myself in awhile. Oh, and maybe a forehead waxing, that's always a pleasure!!
9. Why the hell do I still have my Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas knick-knacks on my desk? They have now just gone in the drawer with the other shit that I don't want to throw away.
10. I just want to thank Liquid Paper for making awesome little gadgets for white out. They have saved my ass and my work still looks great.
11. The time on my radio is blinking again. Those damn cleaning people probably unplug it for shits-n-giggles. We'll see who wins this one today. That lunch in the fridge from 2 weeks ago, is going in the trash under my desk when I leave.
12. I need a really good office view. If I'm going to get paid to screw around and daydream, it should include a nice view or else I'm going to get paid to sleep.
13. I have to pee but if I get up and go, that would include stop screwing around, adjusting the elastic, gagging while I pass the stinky office, and giving the opportunity to someone I don't want to talk to, to talk to me. Fuck it, I'll hold it like I'm 5.....................

What the fa-la-la-la..........

Let me regergitate what my biggest problem has been in my life lately. MEN........ If my readers don't recall I have the shittest moments when it comes to MEN. Again, Am I Destined To Be Single? Sometimes I tell myself that I really don't have time for them but I wouldn't mind making the time for one. Huh??

This whole subject is brought back up because I've had some current situations that I need to get off my chest.

First off, my intention isn't to sound like tramp, but it may come across like that. My random dating sprees would give definition to that term. Although, I don't date seriously and I choose not to be sexual with all of them, so that could be why they don't stay. So, here it goes:

Nick: We have a great friendship when it comes to talking about each other's random relationships. I thought he had most of the qualities that I wanted but that's what I get for thinking, right? I wanted to date him seriously but he had some issues he couldn't overcome. I should've looked into some sort of Harry Potter potion to remedy that.

John: A good samaritan (a religious police officer), tall, good looking but boring. I mean his response to, "come over and get frisky with me", was "I will after I go to the gym and read a book". Are you serious????

Scott: A friend of my friends. He works where I used to work, so my friends know him pretty well. A great guy, tall, easy-going, cute but hasn't dated in years. I don't know if I have my cage fighting skills intact. I'm not ready to re-train someone into relationship status. Is that inconsiderate?

Kyle: Hasn't been in the picture for awhile but I'm getting these random text messages from him. I actually get butterflies with this one and I really don't know why, considering we've been friends for a yr but have only seen each other twice. But I'm assuming he big hearts me because all of his college buddies know about me, in a weird closeness kind of way. I'm just waiting for a letter in the mail, with the question, "will you be my girlfriend? check yes or no".

Jim: He originally came into the picture as my physical trainer at the GYM, hence the name. There was never a goo-goo eye look or sexual comment made at anytime. We were business professionals. That's until we both were liquored up and dancing (not very professional!). And I haven't been back to the GYM since.

So, in all retrospect I don't think I'm ready to date and I'm okay with that. I seem to find small irritations about each guy and that's a quality I need to change about myself. The good thing out of all this, is I've learned what I may be looking for in someone. Okay, that's bullshit...... but I have decided that I'm going to get mine, meaning sex. I've been on a dry spell for quite sometime now and JIM has agreed to contribute to my needs. What a swell guy???? So, being that he is a meat-head trainer, I also agreed that I'm doing this for my health. And here is my reasoning for this:

• 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
• 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
• 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
• 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
• 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
• 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
• 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
• 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
• 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
• 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

May all of your sex lives prosper and make you a healthier person!!!

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Okay, so I love to blog because it gives me the opportunity to bitch and gossip about the random shit that your friends don't really want to hear. To me that's a way of therapy.... I know I feel a little more sane when I get things off my chest or have a good laugh.
Well, this weekend had it's blogging moments. When you hear the saying, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," you usually relate that to a genetic situation. That's not in my case.... My best friend, who I've known for 10 years, had an unfortunate incident with the car wash and her new truck, a few weeks ago. Basically causing several hundreds of dollars in damage to the front end. So, this weekend I decided, what the hell and let's copy her mistakes. I mean it's cool to be like your friends, right? So, I took my new car to a non-touchless car wash and had the antennae ripped off for fun. Now, I know why they make those damn things detachable and it only cost me $500 to learn that. I knew that little incident was going to ruin the rest of my weekend, but instead.......

my mentality after the fact was just, I now have a Jetta with a hole in the roof, which looks kind of ghetto...... why not keep the rest of my weekend ghetto? So, I made the wonderful suggestion of doing a night out of dancing but "ghetto" style. In this town that means mainly one place, Graham Central Station. At least, that is how it used to be, just a "ghetto" scene.... When I got there I realized that, "the apple didn't fall far from the tree," with majority of these people either. I mean that literally. Although, I don't think it was apples, maybe BigMacs!! Ok, so "the BigMacs didn't fall far from the tree." I wasn't quite expecting the scene that I walked into, it was like a clone of the same damn person. Oh, it was still ghetto but more of an all-you-can-eat-buffet, Ghetto. If ya live here, you know that this state is known for it's short, stocky people meaning they would be considered thin if they had another 7 inches on them. I knew Jenny Craig was next door but I didn't think that was the hang out for their after meeting get-togethers. Just so you don't think I'm trying to be a bitch, let me paint you a visual on the avg female that was there that night......... 5'0', 250+ lbs, long permed-teased-aqua net styled hair, dark brown eyeliner-lipliner-eyebrow liner, my little sisters stretch pants and tube top, very high heels with the big toe hanging over, and an attitude to compensate for the rest. That's why I talk shit.......the attitude's I got were ridiculous. So, we stayed regardless of the scene and boredom but it was only until we realized we could go home and get drunk without the mistake of having beer goggles. Because I wouldn't want to explain to the guys that we allowed them to wake up next to an oompa-loompa.
I didn't consume too much more liquor because Rachel took on that responsibility. She and Javier polished off the rest of the Yager and Parrot Bay. I wouldn't have known she was drunk until her dance moves looked a little off. And not to forget her vomiting escapades in the porcelain god, sink, trash can and floor. I didn't realize how much shit a little person can hold. But she did it with style and apologetic means. That's okay paybacks are a bitch......she thought she broke in our new house, just wait until I get drunk and I puke in my long-ass hair and she has to hold it, and then again, "the apple won't fall far from the tree".